Returning to school after a bereavement
Returning to school after the bereavement of a significant family member is hard.
Different factors affect the grieving process and how the child will feel. This includes the circumstances surrounding the death of a loved one and how much the child has understood or has felt involved. Their relationship with the newly deceased is significant as is their relationship with surviving close family members and the recovery environment created by those adults whilst also navigating their own feelings of loss and grief. The child’s chronological age as well as their stage of understanding about death may or may not be aligned. Their personality, their background, their level of self-awareness as well as their current state of physical and mental health will all affect how they feel returning to school.
But, however hard this all is for the child, a return to school is a must.
“Most grieving children do not need a ‘bereavement expert’, they need people who care. Schools, just by carrying on their usual day-to-day activities while being aware of the bereavement can do a huge amount to support a grieving pupil.” (Ref. Winston’s Wish). Getting back into a routine is hugely helpful and is necessary, but it’s the awareness of the bereavement and how it is managed by the school which matters. It can directly affect how a return to school feels for the bereaved child in their very early days of grief.
A good place to start is to talk to the family about what they and the child would like to happen before and when they return to school.
Some families will take more time off than others and the recovery environment must be considered in each case. My two school age children took two days off school after they were told that their daddy had died on a Monday morning after a half term break. Daniel was 8 and Matthew was 6, they were in Year 4 and Year 1. I knew they craved a return to their normal lives and I knew that home was a strange and upsetting environment for them. I understood their need for normality but I also knew that life had changed so significantly that a return to the old normal was now impossible. It was a new normal that we had to create for ourselves and that our first steps towards it needed to be managed very carefully. The death of a significant family member whilst you are still a child immediately puts you apart from your classmates. It’s not the usual life experience you expect whilst you’re a child, but being back in a space where death doesn’t dominate is the relief and comfort you need whilst your brain begins the enormous task of processing what you have experienced and will now carry for the rest of your life.
The first conversation a school has with a newly bereaved family won’t be an easy one so practise it.
Say out loud the words you want to say, change them and repeat them until you find the ones you are comfortable using. Remember that it is their grief and your sadness; you will feel it, more acutely depending on your personal experience of death to this point, but you must be the one to guide the conversation. Your role is to acknowledge the significance of a family’s loss and to reassure them that you will look after their child. There are many things you can put in place which will help and knowing the child is where you start. Prepare the questions you want to ask a surviving parent, but choose the ones to ask wisely so you don’t overwhelm at a time when they are completely overwhelmed by every - little - thing. Grief is overwhelming and exhausting. Be the voice of care and of professionalism. Listen to their concerns and reassure them that you can put certain things in place to take care of their child. It may be easiest to focus on what you can do to help for those first few moments of a school day.
An example of our Key Stage 1 experience:
Matthew was in Year 1 when his daddy died. He was 6. He wanted people to know what had happened but he didn’t want to be there when I told them - I remember him being adamant about that. His class teacher chose to read the class books about bereavement before Matthew’s return. She concentrated on pet death and felt this was well received. It encouraged a dialogue on death and helped establish an open and caring environment for very young children. She used clear words and facts with the class; she told them that Matthew’s daddy had died and that Matthew may be sad when he comes back to school. The children were told that their role was to help him and I know from conversations with parents of children in the class at that time, that this was exactly how they felt. They were given their role and they were empowered by it and not unnecessarily upset. A teaching assistant whom Matthew had a good relationship with was given more time to be with Matthew in his class. He had the opportunity to have his lessons in a learning support space at the side of his classroom, he chose the friends he could have with him and when he wanted to return to the larger classroom space. The classroom assistant told me, “Matthew was very open, willing and brave to talk about losing his dad and whenever he did, we stopped everything and followed his lead to have a quick and impromptu talk about how he was feeling or to address any questions he or his friends had. There was never ‘a bad’ time to talk about it as we wanted Matthew and everyone else to know that if they need to talk/ask questions, then they could as we felt it was so important.” They also added another level of care for Matthew by checking-in with his best friend regularly to ask him how Matthew was each day. If this friend reported that Matthew was having a sad or tricky day, then he was given the opportunity to complete his work in the learning support space with the classroom assistant. Communication was key. I was a parent whom, however awful I felt, made sure I was at every drop off and pick up for my Key Stage One child. He had a surviving parent who was determined to keep showing up, but not every parent can do this. Keep communicating with families and be creative and caring in how you can provide the best care possible of their child at this extremely difficult period of time. It was very much a culture of care for Matthew and I will be forever grateful to his Year 1 team for this. It made a huge difference to Matthew and to me, and also to the rest of the children in the class at the time, including one girl whose daddy was also to die unexpectedly a year later.
An example of our Key Stage 2 experience:
Daniel was in Year 4 when his daddy died, just four days before his ninth birthday. It was him who asked to go back to school. He wanted to be with his friends and where his life was understood. Routine and boundaries gave comfort at such a dysregulated and uncertain time. I wanted to give him some armour so to speak, of how to look after himself and cope with those unexpected triggers I knew he’d have to face without me. Together we created a family motto: Be Brave, Be Kind where I encouraged him to be both brave and kind to himself but also towards others, the majority of whom will have no idea what it is like for their daddy to die. Daniel’s class teacher took this motto on and it became the class motto, where everyone was encouraged to be brave and to be kind. Good communication between school and home was also hugely important and I always appreciated taking a phone call from his teacher letting me how Daniel’s day had been or if she wanted to discuss a possible trigger coming up for him at school.
Things to consider when supporting a bereaved child’s return to school:
Speak to the family before a child returns to school. Agree who is best for this so that they can co-ordinate a whole school communication of what has been agreed.
Train all members of staff to know what to say and do when they first make contact with a member of the grieving family. Prepare the words you are comfortable using to acknowledge the death, e.g. “I am sorry to hear that your husband has died” or “I’m sorry your family is going through such a difficult time.” Then reassure them that you are there to care for their child, e.g. “I am on playground duty today and I will keep a lookout for your child” or “I am in your child’s class today and I will keep an extra eye on them.” Keep the conversation short and to the points described above.
Consider what you can put in place to make the first days returning to school after the bereavement as smooth as possible for the child, e.g. who will meet them at the gate, where they can start the day/first lesson, put in levels of care for them from a classroom assistant and/or friend. Keep them feeling involved in these decisions.
Discuss what the child would like to happen for their return to school, e.g. who will tell the class what has happened. Encourage them to prepare some answers to what they’d like to say to friends and classmates.
Remind staff to encourage a culture of care for the child. Reassure the child to go easy on themselves and allow them time and space to begin the enormous task of processing the magnitude of what they have experienced. This is the very beginning of a lifelong process.
Consider how you will prepare the class and teach them to know what to say to their classmate. You may want to make cards or create a class card which not only gives the bereaved child the message that they are thought of and cared for, but also provides a structured way for the rest of the class to learn how to respond to a situation they will meet again and again as they grow older.
Use direct language to describe death and avoid euphemisms.
Ensure staff have information and advice on various death traditions and customs of the relevant world faith the family belong to, if appropriate. The Diocese of London Board of Schools rightly states that, “Inadvertent insensitivity or ignorance can cause great offence and add to a family’s grief.” (Ref. ‘Managing Death and Bereavement - Advice for Schools’ Dec 2022). Be mindful though, that death can literally shake the faith of even the seemingly strongest of religious observer so never presume to know how they feel.
Go to the funeral, unless you have been asked specifically not to. It’s comforting for the bereaved family to know that someone represented their child’s school and will understand more about the significance of loss for the child when they are back there.
Make sure class teachers look through lesson plans and resources planned to avoid possible triggers. This does not mean simply finding refences to death in what they are about to teach, it’s also about any classwork which explores strong emotions and relationships mirroring those of the significant family member to the child. You could easily talk to the child beforehand to find out how they’ll be exploring certain emotions or relationships in class and the task they will be asked to work on. Think about whether the task should be more ‘learning about’ rather than ‘learning from’ whilst keeping true to your planned learning objectives.
Make sure assemblies planned for this time also follow the above advice including preparing an outside speaker if one is timetabled to come into school. They must know that they are speaking in front of a recently bereaved child and you may want to put processes in place to care for that child, e.g. sitting them at the end of a line next to a trusted adult who can support them if necessary.
Talk to the family if an annual, and possibly triggering, school or country occasion/celebration is timetabled soon after the child’s return school. Don’t presume to know how the family will feel about it, e.g. making a Father’s Day card soon after their daddy has died may be something a child will want to make so they can still make something for their daddy (this is of course, ok!).
Consider the amount of homework you expect to be completed by a recently bereaved child. Grief is exhausting and expecting work to be completed in a home environment of grief may be too much for the child and their surviving family members at this time.
Finally, look after yourself. Give yourself time and space to sit with how this feels for you. It may bring up emotions from your past and perhaps even some which you have not thought of or felt for a long time. Talk to someone you trust for their support but also so you can hear the words you need to say aloud. It’s the family’s grief but it’s your sadness; and empathy rather that sympathy makes you able to give their child the right support in school at this acutely challenging time of early grief.