using the right language

Choosing the right words and phrases to use about death around children is incredibly important. Research shows that children who can communicate effectively are more self confident, have high self-esteem and are happier than people who struggle to communicate. Children are constantly observing and learning from their environment, they take everything in and add it to their understanding of the world and how it works. It flows between consciously and unconsciously taking on board the messages they receive so it’s vital to get it right when talking about death.

All adults in school are role-models for the children in their care. How you behave and the language you use around death in front of children matters. You have to get this right. But it’s not simple or easy. There are many factors which will affect your ability to feel comfortable around the conversation of death and these range from your personal experience around death and bereavement, your level of empathy and feeling towards the children you care for, to how you in turn learnt to behave around the conversation of death when you were a child. As always, look after yourself first so that you can be that good role model. Practise hearing yourself say the words and phrases you want to say out loud until you’re comfortable using them and hearing them coming from your own mouth.

Which words and phrases should you use to talk about death with children?

The best way to talk to children about death is to be direct, clear and honest. This includes saying when you don’t know the answers to their questions. It also includes going back to a child if after a conversation, you think you should have explained yourself more clearly to discuss it again. All children value honesty and will be more likely to engage with you around challenging conversations if they believe you will be honest with them.

Child bereavement charities and hospice family support advice against using euphemisms with children. These include: lost, gone, passed away, asleep, gone on a long journey, gone up to heaven, is a star, resting in peace, is an angel, will always watch over you…

All of these words and phrases are confusing for very young children. It is reasonable to ask if Daddy can be found when you’ve been told that he is lost, or if he’s passed away, can he now pass back? It can also be frightening to think of Mummy now in the sky watching you. I also think this can damage an ongoing relationship with the deceased if you believe they are always seeing what you do.

Best practice is to tell the truth and stick as closely to the science as you can. Their loved one has died. Their heart has stopped beating and they can no longer breathe or feel pain. It is sad and they will be missed very much by everyone who knew and loved them.

With this knowledge and a commitment to care for the children you have in school, have a conversation with the child’s surviving parent or guardian and ask them which words the family is using with their child/ren. It took me a long time as a new widow to feel ok about using direct language to talk about my husband’s death (over two years!), even though I knew it was best to use the direct words with my own children. I found comfort in the euphemism “passed away” and also found myself switching from talking about my husband in the past to the present tense even within the same sentence. It hurt too much to talk about him in the past and the words dead and died sounded so final coming out of my mouth. Of course I understood that he was no longer alive, but I didn’t want to stop talking about him and I wasn’t ready for my relationship with him to end. I didn’t understand yet that it didn’t have to - it was just going to be different. I would still love him, I could still talk about him and I could still talk to him even though he had died. With this in mind, take note of the words and phrases a bereaved parent or guardian is using with their child/ren and gently guide the conversation to say that child development professionals advice using direct language but you will take the lead from the child/ren themselves. There may well come a time when you notice a bereaved child begin to question the language they are using for their deceased parent, and this will be the moment to have another conversation with the surviving parent or guardian. This is a pivotal moment in the child’s understanding of what has happened to them and should be taken seriously. Hold space for them to explore their thoughts and feelings, and open the conversation out to the family or guardian. Each bereavement is individual to the griever and the circumstances of the death of a loved one is often too overwhelming for a child to understand all in one go. By starting to question language, the bereaved child may be expressing a readiness for more information surrounding their parent’s death. Be reassured - this is not your job as a trusted adult in school, but you can communicate this change to the child’s surviving parent or guardian, and signpost them to charities which will be able to provide that needed advice and support.

What about supporting children and families of faith?

Many primary schools in the UK are faith schools of which the majority are Christian. The Diocese of London’s Board for Schools has produced an excellent document: Managing Death and Bereavement - Advice for Schools (Dec 2022) where it recommends schools, “ensure that they have information and advice on the various death traditions and customs of faiths other than Christianity.” They rightly state that: “inadvertent insensitivity or ignorance can cause great offence and add to a family’s grief.” I would also add a warning here that schools should consider that the death of a loved one can shake the very root of the most religious of people. Never assume someone else’s beliefs, but rather be gently curious and hold space to let them share ideas with you if it’s appropriate. Schools commit to putting every child’s best interests at the centre of what they do and how they talk about death should not be an exception.

To sum up, use the list below to support and prepare yourself for talking about death with children in school. Remember that talking about death shouldn’t be seen as a difficult conversation, it should be considered as an important one.

• Be direct, clear and honest

• Be a good role model

• Be present, listen and reassure

• Avoid euphemisms

• It’s ok to say that you don’t know the answer to a child’s question about death

• Discuss the language a bereaved family or guardian is using for the death of a loved one

• Look for when a child begins to question the language used around death as a sign they may be ready to know more about what has happened to their loved one. Open a conversation about this with their surviving parent or guardian.

• Seek advice from bereavement charities for the language to use when the death is more complex, including when it is sudden, murder or by suicide.